Instant Messaging
by sierralim91
Summary: Captain Maria Yeong finds a way to protect her team - using a private instant messaging service. As Mal, Natara, Ken, Blaise, Amy and Kai find a way to undermine Lieutenant Anders despite the Captain telling them not to , hilarity ensues via instant messages. And romance too, of course.
1. OSS

Disclaimer: I am not part of the CoD team, and thus did not create this crime game, although I would've wanted to, if I somehow had such an idea in my cerebrum.

A/N: We need more humor in CoD fanfics. AND YES I REALISE that I still have "The Longing" to update. I'm having the writer's block for that one. So I highly apologise for those who are waiting for updates, I promise they will come soon once I overcome this block and other hurdles in the form of work and studies. In the meantime, I decided that I would write this for fun. Please let me know your thoughts, they are highly and greatly appreciated.

This was inspired in part by "Customer Service", a Draco/Hermione fanfic, and other humorous fanfics involving IMs, emails, and texting.

This is… very AU. And my apologies if the characters seem a bit… OOC.

* * *

**INSTANT MESSAGING**

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 9:01PM

**To: **Malachi Fallon; Natara Williams; Kenneth Greene; Blaise Corso; Amy Chen; Kai Kalaba

**From: **Maria Yeong

**Re: **Internal instant messaging service

**Attachment: **

**! URGENT SFPD EMAIL!  
*REQUIRES IMMEDIATE RESPONSE**

* * *

Dear team,

As you are aware, the current situation at the SFPD does not look pleasing. Lieutenant Anders has lodged his report regarding our individual shortcomings, rebellious actions, high-risk character flaws, and distractions at other non-work related issues (such as The Sims 3, beer, and so forth) when in the crime lab. Not that this is specifically directed at any of you, of course, as you well know that when I have been displeased with any of you, matters were taken seriously and dealt with.

However, as Anders clearly does not understand that we have been doing our job – which is, indisputably, to vanquish the villains of this city and lock up all the related tyrants – I have been working with Ms Chen to craft an internal instant messaging service, one that will comprise of only seven of us. This instant messaging service will be code named OSS – Operative Secret System. It is highly barricaded thanks to our data analyst and her abilities to source codes complex enough to prevent Anders and his tech research team from finding any further information related to your past history and current misbehaviour. This instant messaging service will be used for communication between seven of us to discuss matters that should not be brought up in person when at the crime lab, or in any single room or place inside the SFPD. In short, once you step foot into the precinct, I don't expect any of you to breathe a word about any subjects discussed in this platform, or, about this service at all (yes, this is now directed specifically at you, Mr Kalaba).

This is the one time I feel that we need to find a way to protect the SFPD. As Captain, I will not resort to dirty tactics, corrupt methods, bad-mouthing or hitting people on the head with sharp objects, but I will protect us as a team. This was my pledge when I began assembling a team at this police department, and I have found from the recent past of working with six of you that there is no one I trust more as workers and friends, off-site. I have been in the confidence of each of your past and present personal matters, and this honesty displayed among us was indeed the deciding factor in me putting this thought into action and defending the honour of our service towards the citizen of this somewhat doomed city.

Detective Fallon and Special Agent Williams, I certainly hope that you understand the calamity of the situation and use OSS to your highest possible advantage in ensuring that any matters in regards to Anders that are brought to your attention is directed to me via this service. Nonetheless, I expect you to continue in your duty in your investigations as arranged. Please direct any information you come across that is fundamental to ensuring that the SFPD's reputation is not tainted any further – of which you must remember that these are your reputations as well.

Mr Kalaba, I must add as well, that this is not a spy service, and I do not expect you to convert all your discussions with Ms Chen regarding console gaming platforms and the like to this instant messaging service. We are not Mission: Impossible, and we are not secret agents, except for Special Agent Williams, who is a literal agent, as I am certain is unnecessary to spell out.

I must stress however, that reputations are not the primary importance here; we are. Currently, with Anders giving commands, I have to admit that the level of defence in our city has decreased more than ever, especially considering this ego-centric man had the boldness to refocus every single office in the department to RE-TRAINING classes.

We need to do our job even if it means doing it without the knowledge of Lieutenant Anders. This is a risk I am willing to take in order to protect the citizens of our city. If you refuse to take this risk, I most certainly understand. It is why I require your immediate response on this matter. If you decide to do this, know that if we are revealed, there are going to be detrimental punishments upon each of our heads. And I don't mean this figuratively.

I have attached a detailed document with the guidelines and purposes of OSS.

Please respond by 0100 hours. Thank you.

Maria Yeong

Captain  
San Francisco Police Department  
1125 Filmore Street  
San Francisco, CA 94115

PS. My apologies for the slightly crude language in this email. If you could excuse me, as your Captain I believe I am allowed for less-informed manners from time to time. Thank you.

* * *

A/N: Replies from each of them coming next chapter. Sorry if this didn't sound as sarcastically funny as I hoped it would be. :S More humour in store next. Review please?


	2. Reaction

**Disclaimer**: Nuuuuuuu, I did not create Kai. Or Mal. Or Ken. Or Natara. Or any of these characters.

Thank you for all your encouraging reviews! Thought I'd try replying reviews here since I *hope* to update this story often and it would be more conducive if I did the review replying at the start of each chapter.

Things in Ink – Hi Rose! Thank you so much, especially for your vote of confidence that this story will be awesome, haha. Oh, that actually sounds interesting too; you should do it if you have a good idea in mind already. :)

But I Have Promises To Keep – Hey A, thank you, glad you think so!

The Sarcastic Polar Bear – Haha thank you!

Katlana Child – Oh thanks so much. :) I'm glad heh.

mozzi-girl – Hey Molly! Yes, more humour indeed. Thanks!

Jupal – Hi Chiaki, thank you. I'm glad you appreciated the wit! Haha, trust me, I'm having to tap into my 'lame' inner self to throw out gags for this story. Hopefully this chapter is satisfying to you and to the humour you hoped for.

Okay, so now that that's done… let's move on. More bits and pieces of the story will be revealed as we go along.

* * *

**INSTANT MESSAGING**

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 9:03PM

**To: **Madam Yeong

**From: **Your very excited data analyst

**Re: **Our awesome backup plan

* * *

Dear Maria,

Do I even need to reply to say that I'm in? I was the one who agreed to helping you create this platform, after all! I'm so excited; I'm glad that this is going live and active right now! Although, of course, without the knowledge of the more powerful and ranked lieutenant and his respective minions… Um, sorry. I'm typing this on my phone.

Anyway, I'm in! Glad this plan has worked out so far, if you need me to do anything else, Captain, please let me know!

Thanks for issuing that warning out to Kai to not misuse this service. I was going to do that just after reading the email, then realised that you'd written it already!

Amy

PS. Thank you for accepting me back into the SFPD. You finding me with Ken's help and bringing me back in such a way is more appreciated than I can ever say. You really are a great captain, and I'm grateful to have you leading us, if I may say so!

PPS. I have set up measures to prevent these emails from being seen as well. In fact, I'm in the finishing stages of getting our separate mail servers ready. Should we go all out there too?

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 9:14PM

**To: **The Captain

**From: **The Handsome Detectiveeeeeeejklsdp

**Re: **Secret Agent Plot and I am Agent Zeo

* * *

Captain,

Of course I'm in. Since we're in mostly informal language now, allow me to say that getting dirt onto Anders butt will be the greatest pleasure I will take part in (well, maybe not the greatest, but one of, and I'm not referring to his bottom) and you certainly have me to fall back on. I will ensure that we find valuable information on Anders – Natara and I can even conduct a separate private investigation on him. This guy smells. He reeks. Of something really bad. And even Ken agrees with me. And we don't mean his BO. Although perhaps he does have BO, I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm heading home now. I will chat with Natara about this on the way out… oh wait I can't. Alright. Thanks Captain. I must say my respect for you has duly increased with this new revelation. But honestly, Anders just gets on my nerves.

Fallon

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 9:16PM

**To:** The tech who is not going to see daylight again

**From:** The person who is right outside the lab to see you

**Re:** OPEN THE DOOR. I NEED TO LEAVE NOW AND I NE

* * *

ED to come and give you a serious word before I leave. GO AND TWEAK YOUR OWN SUBJECT HEADERS AND NAMES WHEN SENDING OUT EMAILS. Seriously, editing these things for fun is not funny, Kai. Not when we are sending emails to the CAPTAIN.

Mal

PS. DON'T reply.

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 9:42PM

**To: **Captain Yeong

**From: **Det. Greene

**Re: **The new instant messaging plan

* * *

Captain,

With all due respect, is this really the best idea? I know that Anders is god-awful for breathing down our necks, but really? I absolutely dislike IMs. It is the most horrid way of communication, as we would all have to continuously stick our heads into our cell phones as often as possible. Already my mobile phone keypad is too small for me and I am looking to get a new device. Typing on there will be difficult for me. Already I'm replying this on the computer.

But yeah, I'm in. ALL IN. Let me know what I can do, Cap.

Thanks too for your support in bringing Ames back. That was more than appreciated.

Regards,

Ken

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 10:13PM

**To: **The brilliant leader of our team

**From: **The blond lady

**Re: **All set to kick some serious butt

* * *

Maria,

You are on a roll. I'm all in, set, ready to go. Boom boom pow. Yeah. Anything to take down Anders and his orange hair.

Gotta get some stuff done. Chao.

B

* * *

"_This is the voicemail of Natara Williams. Please do NOT leave me a long message with crude love songs in the background or gag lines in attempts to get me interested. I am NOT interested. If this is Oscar, I apologise for not making dinner… again. I know you had something special you wanted to talk about. If this is Mal, call me asap. We need to talk about that case. To anyone else, this is my private number, so if you got hold of this without my knowledge, rest assured I will not answer. Thank you… _BEEP!"

"_. . . Natara, I tried calling you to discuss the case but you didn't pick up! By the way the Captain has sent some of us an urgent email, you haven't replied yet have you? Go reply it, it's highly urgent. We can discuss the case tomorrow morning if you like. Over breakfast? OH, and it's Mal here, but you didn't need me to tell you that, did you? WHYisthedoorbellringing rightnow, WHAT THE…. Agh sorry, call me. Bye."_

"_. . . Nat, it's Oscar. That's alright, I understand you had other work commitments. Is everything okay? You sound stressed, and it's not like you to change your voicemail message to a string of replies to people… Please call me, okay? I tried calling you more than a few times already today so call me when you can. I'll wait. Love you."_

"_. . . NATARAAAAA! GUESS WHAT! DAD JUST SAID I'M ALLOWED TO COME VISIT YOU ON MY OWN IF I WANTED TO! Heheheee sorry I got really excited, I haven't seen you since Christmas and I miss you. Call me! And Neha here by the way, calling from being grounded at home at the moment. My punishment ends in two weeks. Hopefully I'll come fly down to see you then, since I'll still be on holidays. Hee. Take care and mom says eat your vitamins and do that cucumber facial!"_

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 11:05PM

**To: **Captain Yeong

**From: **Special Agent Williams

**Re: **Internal secret messaging platform?

* * *

Dear Captain,

I must say that I was surprised upon reading an email about such a plan. It is quite unexpected; I understand that you feel that Anders is going too far and that you suspect he has personal reasons for trying to destroy our team (and the SFPD), but is this really the only option we have left? Are we that desperate? (well, I suppose with Anders insinuating the worst in each of us, that would result in highly pressing matters)

I honestly don't think this is the best option, mainly because there would be very severe and grave circumstances if any of us were to be discovered to be involved in such an operation. And this will make us seem like spies, Captain, even if you mentioned that we are not secret agents. I'm sure this will satisfy Kai's imaginations, though, but… seeing as I trust you have the department's best interests at heart, I will say yes.

That and I know saying no is not an option anyway.

Looking forward to your further instructions, Captain.

Best,

Natara

* * *

June 14, 2012 | 11:16PM

**To: **Mal

**From: **Natara

**Re: **VOICEMAIL message

* * *

Mal

Got your voicemail, are you okay? Tried calling you but I think your battery is dead and for some reason your voicemail got stuck? Are you alright? Just replied Captain's urgent email and devious plan. I can't quite believe this is happening. I agreed to it though, as I know that if I don't I will be branded an outcast among all of you who probably said yes, and I am not about to leave a situation like this.

Anyway, breakfast tomorrow sounds great. 8?

Call me. I'll be up early.

Nat

* * *

June 15, 2012 | 12:59AM

**To: **MARIA YEONG

**From: **PLEASE ACCEPT ME IN EVEN IF I AM LATE

**Re: **OSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

* * *

CAPTAIN!

I AM SO SORRY, I HOPE I'm NOT laTe, I am typingthis as fast as Ipossibly can as I can'tbelive I didn'te reply your email earlierzz even though I saw it, though that was onw Mal's phene! I am in , oh definitely dEFINITELY IN. YOU CAN COUNT ON mE, Captain! REpoiiting for duty!

Ashdlkajdkasj ahhhhh NOO I'm dyingggg! Oh and AWESOEMEA IDEA bythewayy.

Kkkkkai

PS. May I assit Amy in creating usernams on the OSS for each of us!

* * *

June 15, 2012 | 2:00AM

**To: **Agent Seriousface

**From: **Your partner

**Re: **Breakfast and just ignore the voicemail interruption

* * *

IT was my neighbour. The dog had pooped all over my new doormat when I opened the door to greet her. She wanted a cup of sugar. Seriously, it's not turning me on when she keeps trying to talk to me and the WORST things happen. And really? _A cup of sugar_? It's the 21st century. Buy your own sugar.

Oh yeah. If you didn't say yes, I would be at your door right now, which I'm not, obviously, because you said yes.

Breakfast at 8. You'll read this when you wake up, so I'll come pick you up. Emailing is easier. I think you'd slam me down if I called you at this hour.

Mal

* * *

A/N: This is a really new way of writing for me. And I really hope this is actually as funny as I planned for it to be. :S IMs introduced in next chapter. Anyhow, what do you think so far?


End file.
